Books

An Excerpt of the First Chapter

I was heartbroken. What did I do wrong?  Why didn’t he love me the way that I loved him? How could he show me pure and genuine love and then turn his feelings off like water? These were my daily thoughts. After reading his letter years later; I would find out that I didn’t read the letter the right way. 

Even though I was completely broken on the inside, on the outside I acted as if there was nothing wrong. I acted as if I was just striving and trying to find my way through life. I couldn’t allow what I was feeling and thinking on the inside to show on the outside. This would make me vulnerable and it would give others the opportunity to judge me. 

When I was alone all I would do is cry and scream, first I lost my best friend, lover,  provider, and supporter to jail. He was all of that plus so much more to me. Then he writes me and tells me not to wait for him. I was love sick. I was so in love with him that the daily functions in life became a struggle. I no longer had the motivation to drag myself out of bed and go on about my day. I couldn’t stand the sight of myself in the mirror. 

But something inside of me wouldn’t allow me to give up. I would say a little prayer and cry out to God every morning and every night. Then I would give myself a little speech all just to get out of the bed. Once I was out of bed the real Frances was left behind. I put on the fake happiness and smiles while all along with every step I took I was dying on the inside. 

I was only seventeen and I knew I would never experience love like this again. I felt as though there wasn’t even a point in dating or trying,  there would never be another him. Our love could never be replaced, the touch of his hands, the way his skin felt on mine, the way he kissed me with so much passion. I couldn’t do it without him, to me it wasn’t acceptable. He pushed me to my fullest potential,  he believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. He saw something in me that I didn’t see because when I was frustrated and wanted to give up he wouldn’t allow me to. Giving up wasn’t an option no matter what.

There weren’t any warning signs I didn’t see this coming, I was completely blind sided. This was a pill I couldn’t swallow but I didn’t have a choice. His mind was made up and I had to learn to live life without him. I didn’t even know this was possible. The heartache that I felt to me was worse then death. I had to go on with life alone again without my soul mate. I really wanted to just give up, but I hoped the day would come that he would change his mind and I needed to be at my best because he always pushed me to be my best, and he wouldn’t accept anything less from me.

Up until I met my first love I didn’t think it was possible for anyone to truly love me. I grew up in foster homes and group homes. When I was seven years old I got into trouble and my mom beat me. She would always tell me if I didn’t like it that I could leave. Well this was that day, I packed my roller suit case and went next door to my best friends house. Her mom saw the marks, welps, and bruises on my arms and legs and called the police. I was taken from my mom that evening and she never was able to get custody back.I didn’t meet my dad until I was sixteen and based on the lies that were told to me when I was younger that relationship was destroyed. It was me against the world, at least that is how life was until I met my first love and he loved me unconditionally. He provided for me and supported me through any dreams that I wanted to accomplish. 

This is why it was so devastating and my whole world destroyed. Love isn’t supposed to be able to be turned off like that. I didn’t do anything to cause him to not love me anymore. Was I just unlovable? Was I meant to be in this world alone and heartbroken? Why would God allow me to experience true genuine love and then allow it to be taken away from me? It had to be me, it had to be something about me that I couldn’t be loved. First I was taken from my mom and she didn’t get me back, then even though it was my fault the relationship between my dad and I was destroyed, now my soulmate was gone.